Health

Sunday, October 19th, 2025

For the lest several months I have been disregarding my own physical health. More specifically my bad tooth, what I am eating, how I am eating, and vaping.

I eat only two meals a day while snacking in between each meal for most of the day. Unless I am at work. I can’t have too much candy or snacks otherwise my gums swell up. The thing that sucks the most about it is that I have the ability to pay out of pocket to get this took removed. It would take no more than two weeks. But instead, I waste my money on everything else. I could have gotten this decayed tooth, and my wisdom teeth removed by now. But at the same time, I also want to buy a lot of other things. I want to get the latest iPhone air, a larger mini fridge, a smaller desk and cabinet. Then there’s the fact that I want to get my own place and a car before the lease is up. Mainly because I don’t know if my roommates are going to renew it this year.

When I was sixteen I allowed time to pass me by. The quicker time went by, the faster I got to be six feet under. Nowadays, it just seems like I have too much time to buy all the things I want, while at the same time not having enough. I’m starting to revert back into my old state of mind where I feel like if I don’t make the right decision, then I won’t be able to do anything else. If I focus on getting the larger mini fridge, smaller standing desk, and phone, then I’ll have to wait twice, or even three times as long to get my teeth done. And vice versa. I wish I knew why this is the mindset I have. But as annoying as it can be, there’s nothing I can really think of to counter act it. I’ve been so exhausted recently and I’m worried I might just give up on it all. Sometimes I really do wish I can just go numb and not pretend to be unfazed by it all.

Whenever something is upsetting, or bothering to me, I tell myself it’ll just be a waste of time and energy to focus on such negativity. That after a while, it won’t be such a bother anymore. So might as well start pretending now instead of hyper fixating on it now. I used to only focus on the negativity happening around me. Regardless if it actually involves me or not. And if it didn’t involve me, I would put myself in the scenario anyways. Thinking about how I could make the situation worse. Thinking about how people would accuse me of doing something wrong when I have done nothing. When I am a nothing. Whenever I have these thoughts, I do the obvious thing and isolate myself. Even if that means staying at my job and hanging out in a closet or the computer lab until my laptop is at fifteen to twenty percent of battery life. I clock out of course, but even at home I feel like I can’t be isolated. Because I’m always interacting with my roommates whenever I can. Ignoring the ever growing urge to be alone.

When I decided to finally give myself a break from being so mentally fucked, I knew I was eventually going to revert back to my depressing and self-hating thoughts. I guess after so many years. It really does feel more comfortable to live in misery and sorrow, than trying to live in the unfamiliarity of a happy life. Thinking to myself I’m not deserving of one when I can’t even bring myself to finally just be happy and appreciative for once. Instead of waiting for all that I have to be taken away from me in some way.

I wish I could just sit in a corner, or curl up onto my bed a cry the time away. Just to finally let it out. The reason I don’t is because I’m scared of being judged for it. Even though no one would know. Every time I want to cry, I picture what I would look like. Crying while having my face will look awful, disgusting, and will just be cringe. I don’t have the face for someone who should be allowed to cry. I don’t even have the demeanor for someone who is able to cry. I shouldn’t even know how to cry. Or even have the urge to do it. But I guess that’s the funny thing about self-hatred. If it were anyone else. They’d look normal. Even someone with the same facial features, body type, and demeanor as you. They’d look normal while I look like I need to be shunned for it.

What sucks even more is the depression aspect of it. There’s no reason for any of it. I taut fucking hate myself for no real reason. But I guess that what depression is. It’s an uncontrollable feeling. No matter how positive or neutral this situation is. You’ll just be sad for no real reason. It hits hard, fast, and randomly. And can last longer than any other neutral or positive feeling. It gets to the point where positivity is just a distraction and not the normality of your life.

Sometimes I think about what may happen if I get into therapy. One it would be by choice. The only reason I would go to therapy, is because I couldn’t say no. Then once I would be in therapy, it would be a matter of how many sessions I would “accidentally” skip. Mostly me pretending I would forget, when really I didn’t want to go and I am planning on finding a way to end the sessions. ow long until the therapist is done with my demeanor. Constantly giving vague answers and ensuring that no progress is made. Wasting everyone’s time and resources. Or ending any and all contact to whoever I couldn’t say no to. A dick move, but I’m not going to have people throw their lives away for mine. Because to me, doing anything for me won’t be small. It would be such a waste of time, I’m not even sure I could be it into words without going off the rails.

Whenever I make these entries, I try to stay on topic as much as possible. But after the third paragraph, I get lost in my own thoughts that I’m just writing how I am feeling currently. Each time I’m not even sure how to end these entries off. Which sucks because I still ave yet to make the thumbnails for any of these.I’m hoping this weekend I can at least put some time into taking the indoor photos, before taking the outdoor ones. Some of which will require me to rent out a car. Not to mention my writing. I haven’t touched the second draft of my current book that I am writing to put all my focus to a completely different series that I have been making since December of 2019. I’m not sure whether to say it’s writers block or burnout. Because the second I read over the last sentence, a burst of motivation hits and I continue working on it again.

I want to do so many things all that the same time, but I don’t know which one to do now and which one to do later. Whether it’s my mental health, physical health, hobbies, career path, or whatever else I mentioned in this overly written entry.

Word Count: 1,275