Life

Monday, October 6th, 2025

I’ve been wanting to make this entry for a while. Mostly talking about how I have been doing this past month. If I am being honest. I haven’t been doing great. There are so many things I want to have and want to do, but I can never put in the time to actually do or get the things I want.

Two of those things I can wait on. Like a car and my own place. Normally people like me would only their car everyday because of work, but my job is a seven minute walk. So if I get a car, I would use about five to eight times a month. It would practically be a waste in my opinion. When it comes to getting my own place, revolves around me being too impatient. I have the time and money to save for my own place, but whenever I am making future plans. I would want to get it done now instead of later. Resulting me in using my savings for other things. I have a plan now of putting away money from now until June. For me to get a car and a new place at the same time. The only problem is that I also want to buy myself a smaller desk, more shelves and dressers, a desk lamp, and make myself a book nook. It wouldn’t hurt me all that much in terms of moving or getting a car, but I really want to redecorate. I guess all of it really comes down to if my roommates will renew the lease for another year.

Another thing I want is to find love. For a while I never really cared about finding a partner. Not even the couples I see on the internet make me desperate. Even though I am. I’ve even downloaded “Hinge”, and made a profile. Although, I deleted it since not only am terrible with money, but also have no means of transportation. Normally I would just tell my friends that I’m not putting in effort to look for someone. Even though it’s only half true. I’m not putting in the effort because I’m not sure where to start. I want to find a partner through normal means like a best friend or a stranger I connected with. Not to mention the fact that I don’t really make the first move. Nor do I chase. Maybe one day I will find a partner.

The last thing I have been wanting to do is go traveling and take photos. The farthest I have been to is Holland. Since I don’t have a car, I would need to rent a car out. The only problem is I never give myself the time. I want to do it during my weekend off. Travel across the state and take pictures of my findings. Or take a plane to wherever I feel like. But then I would have to put in PTO for at least a week. My current aspiration is to take a train to Oregon. Or Washington State. The only other states I would want to live in. Including Montana, North Dakota, Alaska, and Minnesota. The valleys, mountains, forests, and cold climates are what I really like about them. Even though I have heard Alaska doesn’t get as cold as they use to. Although, all of those require saving a few thousand dollars. For me that will take two to three months. But with Nikon releasing a new compact camera. The Nikon Red. I’ll be waiting for a while longer.

Now I get into the heavy topic of my mental state, and I honestly don’t know where to start. It hasn’t been terrible, but it hasn’t been good. It’s mostly been in the in between. I feel motivated, but at the same time I want to lay around and do nothing but be sad. Just smoking away the day while contemplating drinking. Not like I can right now. I’m basically forced to not eat candy. The most unhealthy thing I can eat are baked goods like cakes and cookies( to a degree). As well as chips. No alcohol or candy. Otherwise my gums will swell because of this tooth that I’m procrastinating on getting removed.

I must admit, there are small but palpable urges of self-harm still lingering in my brain. The urges are avoidable, but palpable. Working at a hospital definitely helps ignore them. The one thing no one knows about me is that I am sensitive to harsh criticism and judgement. People don’t know this about me because I lock those feelings away.

I guess what I’m trying to convey is that my mind is conflicted between enjoying life, suffering in silence, or finally giving up on life. I wish I could have hope for the future. Being grateful for the life I am building for myself. I don’t want to think it’s the loneliness getting to me. But it might be. Imagining sharing a life with someone who shares the same similarities as me sounds peaceful. Before I thought myself as someone who could never be loved. I thought that because I would blind myself to the love people would show me and only focus on their hatred towards me. Now I have reversed it. I don’t pay attention to it, but I am no longer intentionally blinding myself to those who care. If anything, I treat it like a poem that was written for me years ago. I keep it for the memories as it sits peacefully and safely on my desk. Wiping the dust off of it every few months.

For now, I write love stories based off of fantasies I have of how I want to meet my partner. Whoever they may be.

Word Count: 962