Why Do I Even Bother Anymore?

Monday, May 6th, 2024

I got into yet another pointless argument with my grandmother. This time I really did try to speak my mind but I kept getting shut down. She would use my own words against me, and making things even more complicated. I tried telling her that the reason I try not to speak my mind is because I’m done trying, and as I am going further into it, it’s like those were two completely separate conversations I was having. Whenever I try to explain myself, I get interrupted, but when I do it, it’s a problem. Like fuck whatever I have to say. Hell, I even tried telling her the times she would say her facts would just be opinions, she told me to elaborate on it as if she doesn’t know what I am referring to. Like all the times she fussed at me for anything never happened. I’m certain she’s just fussing just to fuss. I don’t even know why I bother trying to make her understand. She talks about me only seeing it one way.

Sometime I think that maybe I should just stop arguing with her and stop going against her just to please her. Just to stop all of the unnecessary fussing. To stop the assumptions.

I’m trying my hardest not to fully relapse into self-harm. But I guess it’s too late for that. The only thing I can control is my drinking. I only do it for when I don’t work the next day. Just so I won’t go into a spiral like I am now. It will be a miracle if I can go this entire week without cutting myself. I work at a hospital after all so I would definitely be fired for putting the lives of myself and the patients in jeopardy.

Back when I first started writing my feelings down, it did help. Although I wouldn’t do how I have been this month. Before I would narrow down my thoughts into a title and try to write it in a poem type rant. They would take me forever to finish. I used writing my feelings down as if I am telling a story, or writing a poem. However, I would have a hard time trying to find the words, and would just pick it up later. Even on the good days where I have yet to finish one about how much I want to end it all. I’m still going to do it, but only on my more neutral days. On days where I feel calm, yet anxious at the same time. Not really knowing what to do differently.

I really am trying to move forward in my life. To get to the point where I can finally be free from all of this and do something I actually like doing. I’ll be honest. I mostly blame myself. I try to block out my thoughts of self-hatred. But all I’m doing is suppressing them until I have no choice but to let it out. I just need not to rush into everything anymore. To take my time with things. To keep calm and be patient. I have accepted that I am in this awful situation because of my own actions. The main problem is that I barely learn from those mistakes. I notice them, but never acknowledge them and instead push them away with all the other suppressed emotions.

I don’t even know how I am going to make it through the day. I guess I’ll keep moving forward. But trying not to succumb into my depressive spiral… I think I might want to count my losses there. I don’t even know if I want to go straight home today. I guess I just have to last until Thursday, when me and my friend hangout. They’re picking me up after they get off work and I don’t really care what we do. I just want to spend time with someone. It’s funny how bad in January, I was telling them how it’s been six months since I last cut myself. Then I remembered it’s only been a month. They told me once I reach six months, they were going to do a celebration. I doubt they actually remember that conversation. Which is a good thing, since today will be my third time cutting myself since that day.

I have a dozen reasons as to why I shouldn’t go through with it. But that argument really sent my mental over the edge. Maybe I will last. Or, maybe not. But like I said. I don’t even know if I wanna go straight home today. Maybe I’ll watch a movie or go to the library or something.

Although the more I think about it, the more I realize why I shouldn’t. At least for now. I forgot to bring an extra shirt and my work jacket is terrible with body odor.

Word Count: 818