Promises

Monday, April 22nd, 2024

I don’t really have much to say in this entry. Besides that I did it again. There was just so much going on. Usually I would drink until I feel like vomiting, then go to bed. But that’s only when I don’t have work the next day. This time I had work that day, and grabbing that knife was the only option I gave myself. It’s been about month now, five months before that, and seven months since I have had any suicidal thoughts. And somehow I expect to be able to help people go through the very thing I struggle with.

The worst part is that I felt better after doing it. Like I just cut out an infection. Two months prior to that, I made a post on snapchat telling my closest friends that I my mind was so fucked that I was going to drink that night instead of hurting myself. So many people reached out to me, saying that they’re here for me if I need someone to talk to. I try not to reply immediately after they text me, or at all. Because I’m scared that they’ll think I am doing it for attention. Not like there’s anything too wrong with that. It just depends on the type of attention you need. I kind of felt bad for making them worry. But it is always best to talk about it instead of bottling it up.

I’ve been doing research on mental health for a year now and I have learned so many tips and tricks. And yet I still can’t fight the urge.

I’ll be going to college soon, so I’m hoping my people skills will come in handy if I want to make any new friends. Not like there’s anything wrong with my current ones. One of them I used to go to college with back when I first started in 2019. I’m not really sure how we’ve stayed friends after all this time. After I left, we stopped talking to each other until I made the first text. The only reason I have her on snapchat is because of a group project. She made the group chat, so I just added her and never deleted her. Even though I deleted everyone else. It is what it is, I guess.

I think that’s all I have to say. So, I guess I’ll see what happens in the future and see if I can control the urge and reach out to people when I am in need of someone.

Word Count: 424