Am I a good Guy?

Thursday, November 9th, 2023

How do I… not… notice things? Every time I see anything, or hear anything terrible, I always think I’m the cause. I’m probably just overthinking it and my attention is just drawn to the drama. As much as I want to ignore it or pretend I didn’t see it.

I’m sorry if I am being repetitive in these entries. I really should just grow up and actually be happy with life. Because life is beautiful, I just have to force myself to see it. Maybe if I force myself to be happy then one day I actually will. Maybe. Hopefully.

I want to believe that I am capable of doing good. That I can actually make someone smile. Or maybe I have and I just tell myself otherwise. In any case, ever since I was a child, all I’ve heard is how emotionless, cruel, narcissistic guys are. How guys never take anything from someone’s bullshit to their generosity. How guys are to always be sexually dominant. I am a guy, but sometimes I wish I wasn’t. The only times I don’t mind the fact that I am male is when I don’t think about it.

My biggest fear is when someone thinks I’m flirting with them, or that I am flirting and don’t even realize it, or that they don’t see it as platonic. That’s only happened once where are coworker thought I was flirting with them, but I was just being friendly. I didn’t mean to come off as flirtatious. I like having friends and if I’m being honest I’d rather just be friends with people. Becoming a lover is such a gamble nowadays that I don’t even bother trying to find a partner.

But then there is the problem of being a good friend. I know I’ve said this multiple times now but the thoughts never leave my head. I always feel like I already am a manipulative narcissist. That I manipulated everyone who “I” hold dear to my heart into staying friends with me. Every single one of them has had far worse life experiences than me. They’ve been through so much… and yet I claim to be riding the same boat as them. I’m nothing more than a liar. I am the person I was so afraid of becoming.

I will always regret not taking my life back then. Even today I have opportunities. All I have to do is grab a knife.

I like how I said that on September 9th, 2023 I was finally going to start my self-healing journey. I guess the lies never stop. I just wish it’s as easy as so many people make it out to be. That all I had to do is be happy and not think about it. To ignore the bad going on around me. To act as if everything is fine. That bad people don’t exist. That it’s all in my head and I’m just overreacting.

Why do I even bother trying anymore?

With trying to do the right thing, just to fuck it up. With trying to live a normal happy life, just to get stuck in my own head.

Am I even depressed or just sad? Even then, how could it be either? What happened in my life to make me like this?

I’m just… so… exhausted.

What the hell is even the point?

Why can’t I just end it already?

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