Finding Out

Thursday, July 27th, 2023

So I started a YouTube channel. Hopefully by the time I get this entry finished the first video will be out. However knowing me, I probably deleted the file and started over from scratch.

It’s pretty self-explanatory. Every diary entry I have I turn it into a audio recording then a video. I don’t know what to do for visuals but I’m sure I’ll figure out something.

The only problem is some of my close friends know about it when I was originally never going to tell them. So far only seven people know about it, but one only of those seven knows about one of the entries, which is entry number five. But even then I mostly just talks about my past and partial present.

There is so much to me written in these entries that I am ashamed of admitting. I don’t even know if I will ever gain the courage to upload entry number eight. It’s so specific and the people who I am referring to might happen across it. Having a conversation like that would exactly go well for anyone.

One of the many steps of healing, is to be more open with others, especially with those around you but…

I don’t know if I am ready for that. Maybe I jumped the gun on telling so many people.

Or anyone at all.

I’m definitely not telling any of my family members. If word got out about it I wouldn’t know what to do. I’d probably be bombarded in constant phone calls and text messages damn near every single day.

I never was a very open person. I have always kept a distance from everyone. I do this with my caring family because I feel as if I might start pushing them away and out of my life.

I love and care about some of my family members, but I hate it when people are overly protective of me. I don’t know how to handle people caring about me.

I feel like pushing them away is the only way for them stop worrying so much. I know what I do isn’t right and I won’t feel any better because of it, but if I am being completely honest, I don’t think I will feel any better about myself, or I don’t want to feel any better about myself.

Making this YouTube channel might be a mistake, and I maybe I’ll only receive backlash for it. Then keep uploading while pretending that the  negativity isn’t effecting me as I go about my life in the real world.

Maybe one day the negativity I receive from these videos will break me to the point of finally killing myself without having to worry about leaving anything behind.

I guess I’ll figure all that out as time moves on.

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