Coming Out

Thursday, January 5th, 2023

If I had to guess what age I was when I knew I was bisexual and that I knew I liked both men and women. It had to been when I was eight years old. I just didn’t know what bisexuality was. As a kid I looked at some of my male classmates and teachers the same way I did with my female classmates and teachers. I didn’t want to say anything about it since it was technically being gay and being gay is wrong, weak, fruity, atrocious, and… sinful.

Right?

I have always been told liking the same gender was a sin and yet, I like both if not all genders and non-genders. But of course I didn’t know anyone who was like me, and the more I think about it, I don’t think there was.

I come from a religious family. I went to church every Sunday morning and Wednesday night throughout my elementary years. But I never went to a church school. Although no one taught me that being gay was wrong, being gay in my school was basically asking to be bullied and beaten by the other students.

Being that young I never really gave it too much thought, at least when the topic was never brought up. Besides… it was impossible to like both genders… right?

As I entered middle school I disregarded my feelings for men and focused on liking women more. I still found some of the boys attractive, but I kept disregarding the thoughts and feelings. I even carried a bible with me. I even dated some girls in my school. None of them lasted very long though.

During this time I caught myself watching LGBTQ+ stuff, without even realizing what it was. To be more specific was Demi Lovato’s music video I really don’t care. Seeing everyone be happy among so many colors. I wanted to be apart of it so bad. It made me feel so happy inside. I found damn near every shirtless guy hot. Whenever I would see something that’s considered gay, I would tell myself that it was wrong, but I wouldn’t really feel any actual disgust towards it.

The thought of me being more than straight came back. I kept telling myself I didn’t like guys that way but… what if I did?

When I was in high school I gave up on trying to be that perfect christian boy. During my freshman year my ex-girlfriend told me that she was bisexual. I didn’t know what that meant at the time. I thought it was another term for being gay and that she would only like girls. I selfishly didn’t want her to be gay because I still liked her. I still regret saying that to her, how I didn’t want her to be gay. For years thought I was going to take that memory to the grave. But I guess there are just somethings I have to get off my chest. We broke up for a reason prior to this, and were better off being friends anyways.

She did explain to me what bisexuality was, and that’s when every moment I liked a guy hit me. Maybe that’s why I feel the way I do. I like guys the same way I like girls. That very summer I did my research. I was also bisexual. Towards the middle of my sophomore year I came out to only a handful of friends. I nervous at first but given the band of misfits I called friends, plus a lot of them were already bisexual, gay, or lesbian.

However, my family was a different story.

As it is for most people.

I was eighteen years old at the time. I was at my aunt and uncle's house. It was them, me, my little brother, my mother, and my great-grandmother. My aunt asked me three questions.

"Are you dating anyone?"

"No"

"Do you like girls?"

"Yes"

"Do you like guys?”

The moment she asked me, I immediately froze. I looked up to see everyone looking at me, waiting for an answer. I was in a cold sweat. My heart was beating out of my chest, tears running down my face, I was hyperventilating like crazy. I didn't want to lie but I couldn't bring myself to tell the truth. I started to have a panic attack when all of a sudden... I woke up.

I was sitting at my desk at school, tears almost running down my face. It felt as if my I was holding my breath that entire time with how I gasped for air.

I've had nightmares before but this had to be the worst one.

Throughout the rest of the day I was still shaking up. I could focus on anything. It felt so real. I never really thought about telling any of my family about

I told a few of my cousins, mother, little brother, older brother, and a childhood friend.

Of course they were all supportive. There were some other family members that were probably going to be supportive of me as well but I didn't tell because I didn’t know if they were actually supportive or they would probably tell the people who I didn’t tell.

I wish I had done more research about this wondrous community back when I was at least fourteen.

Then there are the pronouns. I didn't really care too much if people were to misgender me, but at the same time though I didn't want to tell them either.

At one point I wanted to be identified as they/them. There was something freeing about it. Not having to worry about following up on any male stereotypes or having to look a certain way, or having to act a certain way.

Just me being me.

Nowadays my pronouns are he/they, I am demiboy. Being male is okay, but there’s something freeing about not being male. I have a lot of friends who I could tell this too but I want to get more comfortable with this new title first. I also did get a name change to Omega. But only my closes friends and coworkers  know me by that name. I want to tell my other friends but I’m too nervous and afraid they’ll forget. My family is a different situation. But maybe one day.

Word Count: 1,057