Mistake

Saturday, July 24th, 2021

A mistake.

That is what I am. That is how I see myself every single fucking day.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my past that I wish I could take back. But among all those mistakes. The only one I will always regret making, is not ending my life back when I had the chances. Back when I truly had nothing to lose.

All I do is complain and cry as if the world fucking owes me something. The world doesn’t owe me anything. But I do owe the world my life. By taking it away. I can never do anything right. I piss people off. I'm just another goddamn disappointment.

I’m a mistake.

I do and say the same shit, day in and day out. Nothing ever changes. Every second that I am here and breathing is another chance for me to become another fuck up. 

I don't want to make it to twenty-one next month. But if I do then I guess that will be my last day. That will be the last day I finally stop making mistakes. The last day I can stop being a mistake. Everyone will be better off without me. If I die, everyone will be happier. They wouldn't have to go through so much suffering. No one would have to deal with my bullshit anymore.

For years I have tried to do good, or to make someone happy, or to try and find a purpose. To try and find reason to stay alive. But now I just want to give up. I’m tired of trying. The promises I have made to people, the person everyone wants me to be or thinks I am. All these things just to disappoint them all. These are just more reasons why I don't deserve anyone's love or positivity. But I have earned everyone’s negativity and hatred.

I can't do anything right. I'm a useless fuck up that deserves to die. I don’t fucking matter. There’s nothing special about me. There’s nothing worth saving. There’s nothing worth protecting.

I have been fighting this battle for years now, and I don't want to fight anymore. This battle can only end if I lose. I'm just an idiot for thinking there was some way of winning.

I call myself having friends, but in reality they’re just people I’ve manipulated into staying by my side.

I don’t fucking matter.

I’m just a mistake.

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