Whenever I want to...

Thursday, May 13th, 2021

Whenever I want to cry,

I wish to cry in isolation, because it will not go unnoticed by anyone close by. My eyes won’t be soft river flows in the woods, but will be forceful waterfalls breakdown a dam. My voice won’t be a small crackling fire in a fireplace, but will be an air raid siren that all to hear. That is until I’m actually in isolation. Then I still hold it back, because for what reason do I have to cry? Nothing damming happened today. So why does my chest feel so tight? Would it not be immoral if I cry for no reason at all? Moments like these happen regularly. So I’ll do what I always do and tuck the feeling away until tomorrow.

Whenever I want to feel nothing,

I feel like a robot that is programmed to have fun when around others. And although the coding in my brain is working effortlessly in detaching my emotional state from the negativity of present thoughts, and past memories that refuse to be deleted. I’m worried that because it’s working so hard, I can’t enjoy the current moment. But I’m I’ve been told that doing right by others will make you feel good inside. It will make you a good person. Then why do I feel empty why I make someone smile? I’ve been told that doing right by others will make you feel good inside. It will make you a good person. Then why do I feel so emotionless why I make someone smile?

Whenever I want to scream,

My body feels like a plastic bag. All the anger and sadness filling up inside like water wanting to be released, yet I chose to suppress it. Because I fear I may lose control of myself, and I don’t want to know what the outcome of that will be. But if I can’t hold the tension anymore, then I could release it by cutting small holes into the bag. Small enough so the cuts can’t be seen by others, but also deep enough, for the pain to last.

Whenever I want to hurt myself,

I can’t help but feel like I deserve it. The only thoughts going through my head is the dumb and unforgiving things I’ve done. Even if some of those moments weren’t that big of a deal. I guess I just hate the feeling of always doing or saying the wrong things. In any situation. I’m aware that there are other options. But what’s the point in helping a lost cause. Such as myself.

Whenever I want to think of nothing,

I know I am going to have to think of something to distract myself from my entangled strings of thoughts. Thinking of all sorts of scenarios that probably won’t happen. Scenarios I make up entailing how I can do nothing else but mess things up. Wishing away every thing in my past. Wishing I hadn’t of said the things I did, or done the things I did. Wishing I had done more before high school. Because if you’re not the best in school, there is no success for here on out.

Whenever I want to do nothing,

I hate how lazy I feel. Nothing will ever get done if I take a break, and yet because I want to get so much done in one day, nothing gets done. I want to get better with my writing and art. But I’m so focused on how much hate I’m going to get on my writing that I don’t even bother sometimes. What’s the point if no one is going to like it anyways? I wish I didn’t have a sh*t attention span so could read a book to understand how writing one works. I want to draw cool art like all the professional artist I see, but my art could never compare to theirs.

Whenever I want to talk about it,

I feel the opposite of what I have been told I am supposed to feel. I have been told that once you tell someone your woes, you feel lighter, but I feel heavier. I feel guilty as if I am pushing my problems onto them. Like I am forcing them to stay by my side. They’re dealing with their own problems so why do I put more stress on them?

Whenever I want to just feel normal,

I wish I could restart on life, but I never know how to begin, or where to start, or if it really is too late for me to live this “normal” life I hear so much about.

So when you ask me,

“Are you okay?”

I’ll just reply with,

"I'm Fine."

Word Count: 784