Memories

Saturday, January 7th, 2023

I have been told by many different people that I'm a great person, that I showed them love, and that I put a smile on their face.

But if all of this is true. If I really have made their day that much brighter. Then why can't I remember?

People always talk about it as if I do it all the time, but I can’t recall any of it ever happening.

Am I missing something?

Am I remembering things differently?

Am I remembering things wrong?

My positive outcome on people is practically non-existent. The only thing I can recall is how uncomfortable, angry, cautious, and depressed I make everyone. Everyone seems to enjoy my presence but I’m always contemplating what I could have possibly done to deserve this. How is it possible that a screw up like myself could gain the respect and trust from others. I can't even remember a single time I was actually there for someone. All I can remember was just standing there being of no help or making a failed attempt at helping.

Hell, I don't even know if the shit I went through actually happened, or if I'm just overreacting to everything. Is there a reason why I am so depressed all the time? Maybe I really am just a narcissistic attention seeker. I just don’t know what to think about myself anymore. I hear the stories of others and think of this question all the time. Some people have gone through far worse than me and yet here I am thinking to myself that my depression comes from my past. That I can relate to their pain as if we are in the same sinking ship.

Maybe I should end my life. I am constantly comparing myself to others pain knowing damn well they are in far worse pain than I am. I have no right to complain when there are people like them who are forced to live a life of fear, and suffering. Of self-doubt and regret, with the self-injury they bring upon themselves because of the mental torment others brought to them. Telling them that they are mistakes and unloved. That they have no place in this world and will rot in hell for the path they “chose” to take.

I consider myself having suicidal thoughts and actions, as well as depression but if someone asked me why, I wouldn’t be able to give them a proper answer. They'll think I'm a liar and made it all up. Trying to seem like I'm perfectly fine is off the table but not out of the house. So when I am asked, "Why?" or What's Wrong?"

I tell them, "It's Nothing" or “I’m Fine" or “I’m just in my own head."

Usually that will refrain them from asking anymore questions. Of course there are people who can’t be easily fooled, because they use the same tactics day in and day out. But I can’t tell them the truth. So I’ll just keep repeating the same thing over and over again. Just until I can find the strength to end it all. So I won’t be compared to the people who have dealt with the worst of humanity. To those who only wore a smile so others wouldn’t see the frown forever frozen on their face.

I have to be invisible for them. I have to be a lesser being for them. I have to be a nobody so they may get the help they deserve.

My memories may be faulty and unreliable but I know I have no right to complain and take the spot of someone who actually needs it.

Someone that isn’t me.

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