23 Years Later

Saturday, August 19th, 2023

For the longest time I have always thought that I have active suicidal thoughts. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I have more passive suicidal thoughts. It like I want to die but sometimes I don’t want to be the one to do it. I want it to be a quick accidental death like walking in front of a train, or not properly taking care of my physical health, or swerving off the road into a tree at 100mph, or at least something along those lines.

This is probably going to be the first entry I make where I’m not complaining about life.

Today on August 19th, I have officially turned 23 years old. For the past four years I would make posts online saying “number of years later” and that’s pretty much how I would celebrate my birthday. Along with that constant happy birthday messages I would receive.

They say that as you grow older you become less interested in your birthday. I don’t think people meant as you turn 13. Most likely when you turn 70 or 90. I just find myself being too much of a waste of time and space for anyone to care. Nowadays, I treat my birthday like a normal day. I don’t plan on doing anything. No one celebrates it, since I don’t. So there is no point. I guess the most amount of effort I’ll put into my own birthday is making diary entires going over my year.

As cringy as this may sound. I got this idea from Markiplier and Ethan Nestor’s Unus Anus idea. The idea was centered around the question, “What would you do if you had one year left to live?”, or something along those lines. So from now on I’ll start reflecting on what has happened in the past year. Specifically for every year I get older and talk about the more major parts. Or at least the parts that I can remember.

Last August was when I was still working at Spencers Gifts. I made a lot of awesome people there. My mental health didn’t go to far up but I was always looking forward to coming into work and bonding with my fellow coworkers who I now call friends. I had a lot of fun with them and have plans on coming back for seasonal. It will be stressful because of halloween and Christmas. But I’m glad to know that some of my sanity will be intact because of them. I also got a second job working janitorial at a hospital.

September and October I started writing stories again. During this time I was trying to write up to fifteen stories at a time.

In November my great-grandmother died and we had her memorial. It was very weird being there with family members I’ve either never seen or never talk to.  I felt so uncomfortable being there for a woman that hated my existence. But I guess no one really knew that. I had to show up late because I had work at the hospital that day. Thankfully I didn’t have to give a speech or I would’ve said stuff no one wanted to hear.

In December my grandmother, aunt, uncle, and I got evicted because of a dispute my grandmother had with the new landlords. Lucky we found a new apartment within the thirty day notice. I was a nice apartment and my room had a little space inside the walls. My only problem is that I have to climb inside instead of crawling. So I use my little wooden table I have as a boost.

From March to June I had put in my two weeks at Spencers Gifts and went full time at the hospital. After that I started going to the library and a coffee bar to do some more writing. I also picked up on learning more about psychology. Mostly on mental health and how to help. I’ve always wanted to get tattoos and my first one was a random one I got with friends. The tattoo is a knife made to look like it’s going through my skin. I went to the pride festival in June with one of my friends and had a grand time. I even got to meet my niece for the first time.

In July, I got my second tattoo and it was one that I drew almost seven years ago. It’s called passion and depression. The tattoo is of a heart. On one side the heart is clean and on fire, and on the other side , the heart is scared with black goop. When it came to my writing, I decided trying to focus on more than three stories at a time was difficult enough. So I took a step back and only focused on the stories that I was passionate about and worked on those. So far I finished the first chapter of two of the books and I am currently working on the first chapter of the third.

I wasn’t expecting much to happen in August this month. Until my aunt died right as she and her mother, my grandmother, got home that night. Her Date of Death is August sixteenth twenty twenty-three at eight thirty four p.m. My aunt had a lot of health problems as it was. For the past two years she could barely walk around the apartment without her oxygen tank. My brother and his girlfriend came over and we had some drinks. After getting drunk and vomiting I called it a night. I had only planned on vaping after the funeral homes on call employees took her away. The reason as to why I was drinking was because my grandmother was certain she wasn’t dead and she saw her arm move. I know denial is the first of the five stages of grief. But it’s hard to think my grandmother was grieving over the loss of her daughter. I’ve lived with them since I was eighteen. Even before my aunt had to be hospitalized and needed an oxygen tank before she did anything, my grandmother would always find a reason to yell at her for the littlest things. I never did like showing my emotions, even after the loss of a family member. But I guess we all grieve in different ways.

But guess now comes the part of how we’re going to pay for rent and bills since she was the one that paid them. Everyone else just gave her the money. I know it’s selfish of me to think about these things already. But rent and bills are coming down to my uncle and I since my grandmother got fired from her job. She has enough secret money that she’s keeping hidden away to chime in but without a job that money is useless, plus she’s hell bent on using said money to buy a house. Even though all of the money we have collectively wouldn’t be enough for us to buy a house. Guess well just wait and see what happens until next year.

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