A Letter to My Hero

Monday, January 16th, 2023

Dear Hero,

If I had to make one more promise to you, I would ask you to promise me that you won't save me.

This isn't my suicide note. But if it is...

I'm sorry.

I don’t want anyone to save my life one day, just for me to try it again the next day or even opportunity. I have given up on myself. I've tried to be a good person and help people even when people tell me I've done good I feel nothing. Anyone who sees me as a trustworthy person doesn’t realize how much of a monster I can be. I don't trust people and people shouldn't trust me. I've never even helped anyone before. I've seen people in terrible situations and have turned my back on them.

I am not worth time or effort.

It pains me everyday knowing that your selflessness towards my character is mislead. The person you see is not who I am. I have to constantly push people away. I do almost everything I can to make people second guess wanting to be my friend or anything past that.

I carry so much internal anger, sadness, and anguish that one shitty day could result with me releasing at of that on someone who has done nothing wrong.

I am afraid of myself and what I am capable of. I don't trust myself being happy or believing in myself. I fear if I gain any more confidence at all I'll become more of a narcissistic asshole.

I wish I knew how to be more grateful. I have people that care about me, I have two jobs, and a roof over my head. I can buy what I want to do the things I like. I could even go back to college and graduate if I really wanted to. But instead of focusing on what I have now, I always seem to focus on what I am going to when I lose it all.

I could make some more friends outside of work, and maybe even download a dating app to finally find love, but at the same time I don't want to do any of those things. I don't want any more reasons to live. I don't want to plan out my death because I don't want to hurt anyone close, plus I don't want anyone to know. So I just hope that one my life comes crashing down to the point of no return and end it all. I want to die with nothing to my name and be nothing but a bad memory.

Don’t waste your time giving me a speech on life. This wouldn’t be the first time I have been given a word of advice. Whether it was face to face or a video. To me, advice is a three step process.

Step One: You receive the advice from someone who is trying to help. From someone who wants to see you thrive and see the beauty in life.

Step Two: You use the advice given to you. At first you contemplate its meaning then add that meaning to your own life.

Step Three: You give the advice to someone who needs it. To someone who is in the same position you were in.

For me I only do steps one and three but never two. There’s no point of trying to fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed.

At least to me.

Whenever I see or hear someone else's traumatic story I compare it to my own and question if what I am going through is justified or if I am just being a crybaby and overreacting.

I feel so undeserving of everything I have. I don't remember doing anything of the sort, but I feel as if I'm nothing more than a cheater,  a liar, and a manipulator all in one. Like I've forced people to care about me. Still, there's also a part of me that thinks I made it all up just to keep my spirits down.

Most people who change their name is because they want to be as far away from their abusive parents as much as possible, but the person who named me was my mom who is far from abusive, and accepts my decisions and treats me well. I chose to change my name because I'm not deserving to keep a name from a kind person. I'm a shitty son in every way.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Writing and self-harm don't help anymore, even when I went from using the blade from a pencil sharpener to an exacta knife.

It's gotten to the point where I've actually decided to right a suicide note. I don't know when I'm going to start it, although starting it isn't the issue, it’s finishing it.

Because the day I'm done writing it, is the day I end my life.

So I ask again for you to promise me that you won't save me and that you will let me go in peace.

I’m sorry, but you can’t save everyone. Because there are some people who don’t want to be saved.

Sincerely,

Omega.

Word Count: 861