Through My Eyes

Friday, April 21st, 2023

This was supposed to be my suicide note. The plan was the day I finally made the decision to take my own life, I would prolong it by writing the note and no matter how long it takes me, the day I finished it was going to be the day I kill myself. But with how things are going I think I might just end my life without writing it. I'm just too tired of dealing with everything.

I am Black. I am a part of the LGBTQ+. I am male. I am atheist. I am gen Z. But I wouldn’t be able to defend any of the people within either of these communities.

I want to but I can’t. I’d only be making things worse. I can’t even defend myself from anything let alone someone an entire community.

Sometimes I would wonder if I had a voice, would I even use it?

I lost this fight before I even joined it. There is no changing these peoples minds. No matter how much I wish there was. I admire those who are willing to fight for their rights against the United States of Oppression and Discrimination. It feels like those in power are trying to reverse time. Back when everything benefited them and no one else. I understand that by showing weakness I am letting them win. That by taking my own life will benefit their efforts. But I don't care. I don't see myself being a representative for anything. There's nothing I can do to help. They don't care about anything but themselves but tell the media they're doing it for the future. I truly do envy those who refuse to be silent. Wanting those in their communities to thrive in a country that doesn’t want them.

I am meaningless in these fight. I give up trying to pretend that I can do good when in reality I can't. There is nothing I can do to stop any of this.

Everyday I feel ashamed to be who I am. I look upon social media and see how many people don’t want me. No matter what I do nothing about me can go right.

I’m just a useless retard that needs to die.

I don’t deserve the kindness I get. The love and loyalty I’ve received from others. I don’t deserve any of it. Every time I see myself I can only see the negative things people say I am, or should be.

Since I am black. I should be in a gang. Do all sorts of drugs. Should’ve dropped out of school and be in and out of jail all the time for every crime I am supposed to commit. Walking up and down the hood with my pants sagging listening to rap music, being the definition of a thug screaming nigga this and nigga that every five seconds. That I should be shooting up the block because I want to show people that I run shit because I don't have anything better to do. That people who are not descendants of the beige skin-toned human beings that "discovered" this land are inferior. Those same people that stole this land from other human beings that didn't have the same beliefs as them. Years later bring more human beings with darker skin-tone from a different land. Those same darker skin-toned people who traded their own people that they enslaved for better weapons. Then bring those human beings back to this new land Being treated as animals. But since they were treated like shit back at their home land their actions are justified even now. How those human beings did nothing wrong to other human beings that only had one fucking difference.

Since I am not straight. I should be praising Satan and always wanting a dick up my ass. God doesn't love me. I should ignore my feelings. That I'm crushing on all my guy friend's. It's just a phase I still don't know what love is. Bisexuality or pansexuality isn't a thing, its either I'm gay or straight. The being polyamorous is just an excuse to cheat on my partner. Wanting to be the other gender makes me even less human. That I only want to gain attention from this. At least I’ll know what its like to be noticed. To know what it is like to actually love. To not be told that love only means sex.

Since I am male. It doesn’t matter how strong, brave, or stoic I am. If I am not emotionless then I am not male. If I am not causing violence and showing that I am more dominant than others then I am not male. If I am not sexually dominant at all times then I am not male. If I allow people to help me then I am not male. If I can’t walk away from an injury then I am not male. If I help anyone that isn’t me then I am not male. If I like anything that is feminine then I am not male. But the same can be said for women. If she is not wearing make up then she is not female. If she doesn’t want a sick inside her she is not female. If she wants to be independent she is not female. If she doesn’t want to be a wife and mother then she is not female. If she is not docile then she is not female. You have men who blame women for things most women wouldn’t give a second thought about and vice versa.

Since I am atheist. I should want to do all the things that seem evil because there’s no meaning to life so what’s the point of wanting to be law abiding citizen. Why not ruin the lives of innocent people?

Since I am generation Z. I should be a selfish person. I am this future of a species that doesn’t care about anything. I should be ungrateful that I don’t live in a fancy house while eating anything I want. But I’m also supposed to know how to be more grateful for the things I do have before I can even comprehend what being grateful means. I’m supposed to be grateful that I have food and clothes when you had nothing when you were my age. So maybe I could understand what being grateful is by eating less and start wearing the same thing everyday all while trying to please you and meet your expectations. Or maybe I was just trying to meet the expectations of this country. To meet the expectations of the American dream. To become the majority and not the minority. To become rich and powerful and not poor and weak. To defend the powerful and punish the weak. But instead you pay no mind and tell me how I’m a retared nigger and can’t possibly life decent life. So I had to look towards the internet for help on life. But I couldn’t let you know because I was afraid to ask you for guidance thinking you would scold me for not knowing the answers. For not knowing how to do taxes, how to love, how to write a letter, why I should even bother with life. But none of it is your fault of course. I should’ve built myself back up after you broke me down my entire life. Because I know how to do that. But of course I have the internet and I can ask it for the questions I don’t know how to ask. But like I said it’s all my fault and I should’ve been more aware of what to do.

But none of it matters anyways. No matter what I say, or much I speak my mind or tell others of my pain. I will always be the problem.

People always take about the natural human order of things when this country is the last place to talk about that. When white settlers showed up on the land they did every horrible thing to the natives here just to claim this land for themselves. The brought black people who were treated like enslaved apes, not enslaved humans. For two hundred years. Until one man who was the president, came forward and put an end to slavery just to be shot and killed without mercy. Then years later another president gave us rights and he too was shot and killed without mercy.

But this is how I see the world. This is what is happening in my colorless world.

Word Count: 1,430